Haunting weather and the art of stubbornness
I have to say sometimes talking to friends and relatives helps me to connect the dots that my brain nowadays like to create. Hoping that one day I see all the dots connected to a beautiful drawing.
This journey is not what it out to have been. A free nomad feeling. A quest for future places and plans. Instead it has made me dreary. I’m not as restless or impatient like I used to. Or is less showing itself. Maybe that is just asleep due being so tired. Or maybe that’s not what is relevant at all at the moment.
The weather has haunted me many kilometers from the Netherlands till here. The warmth drains the energy out of my veins. Even now, when sitting with a view of the mountains, in the shadow with a breeze, it seems almost perfect. The sounds of people driving from across the huge salty river distracts me from nature. I’ve never been good with things that are halfly done. For me it’s nature or the big city. Not the huge ones anymore. Still, the jungles of human beings and their loud creations for eye and ear can make me feel anonymously free.
I was seeking and hungry for pure nature, somehow I do not feel I'm in need of that so much now I'm here. Maybe it's the lack of snowy mountains.
I regret not making this journey about the people I have come to care for. Like Mia in Tromsø or Astrid and Kenneth in Sandnessjøen. (Names for if they read this they can take away their doubt.)
Muhammed in Bodø I have come to care about. The most relaxed place so far. With doing things together, as well as also accepting a 'no' that comes from tiredness or just not feeling to do things.
The combination for a perfect stay are of minding our own business, but also deeper conversations and him and my daughter gaming and she killing him many times… with laughter.
My daughters funny overacting is sometimes exhausting and impossible to take to a halt, because once in it, she doesn't get out of it easily. I have to undergo her stubborn energy. Making me often not feel in control as a parent. Sometimes, somewhere in my head I believe it is a good thing she goes against it, against me, and that she stays so true and close to herself.
For now I feel this journey is going all but the way I wanted or expected is to. Perhaps, without wanting it, it's teaching me to listen again to that immense subdued power in me. That even my tiredness can not defeat.
Maybe I’m the queen of tiredness. That at least doesn’t make me a drama king.
But even so, I am limited in my power. Even if I am 'the welfare mom', even if you name me a thousand names, I have been given the name Viviane and it means overall alive. I am my parents daughter. I have become an individual creature between all animals of this world.
Perfectly lonely, incomplete, imperfect… I wouldn’t want to be anyone else… (Though I wished someone would see me as perfect. Mostly a nice guy, who matches. 'wink')
Well, I have to be honest and admit that sometimes I want to be a soft haired cat that can stretch sleepy and demand when it wants to be pet.
To add what has worked for me, well, I stared to notice and think about that after I received a response in my mail on my blog. He said his short shared personal story wasn’t as exited as mine. Making me realize that everything I truly enjoyed on my way were the little things: a chitchat with the assistant of the dentist, with the guy working at the petrol station, the river that speaks loudly, the wild flowers that are uncut from nature living it’s short summer, the mothersheep that greets the mother in me, the most friendly assistance at a café giving me some things for free, the softness and shininess of my daughters face as she carefully pets a cat, or the taste of fresh baked chanterelles, the seeing and taste of wild raspberries and blue berries, and that I got my friend with bad watermemories into the lake to experience a bit of the freshness of Norway.
Sometimes no names should be given. No countries should exist. No way of living should stand still. Got to learn my new own. Do not say that your surrounding doesn’t matter. If so, you are blind for the pressure that exists and you have become one with it. Sometimes stubbornness is all we need. I learned from a close friend I call my daughter.
This journey is not what it out to have been. A free nomad feeling. A quest for future places and plans. Instead it has made me dreary. I’m not as restless or impatient like I used to. Or is less showing itself. Maybe that is just asleep due being so tired. Or maybe that’s not what is relevant at all at the moment.
The weather has haunted me many kilometers from the Netherlands till here. The warmth drains the energy out of my veins. Even now, when sitting with a view of the mountains, in the shadow with a breeze, it seems almost perfect. The sounds of people driving from across the huge salty river distracts me from nature. I’ve never been good with things that are halfly done. For me it’s nature or the big city. Not the huge ones anymore. Still, the jungles of human beings and their loud creations for eye and ear can make me feel anonymously free.
I regret not making this journey about the people I have come to care for. Like Mia in Tromsø or Astrid and Kenneth in Sandnessjøen. (Names for if they read this they can take away their doubt.)
Muhammed in Bodø I have come to care about. The most relaxed place so far. With doing things together, as well as also accepting a 'no' that comes from tiredness or just not feeling to do things.
The combination for a perfect stay are of minding our own business, but also deeper conversations and him and my daughter gaming and she killing him many times… with laughter.
My daughters funny overacting is sometimes exhausting and impossible to take to a halt, because once in it, she doesn't get out of it easily. I have to undergo her stubborn energy. Making me often not feel in control as a parent. Sometimes, somewhere in my head I believe it is a good thing she goes against it, against me, and that she stays so true and close to herself.
For now I feel this journey is going all but the way I wanted or expected is to. Perhaps, without wanting it, it's teaching me to listen again to that immense subdued power in me. That even my tiredness can not defeat.
Maybe I’m the queen of tiredness. That at least doesn’t make me a drama king.
Perfectly lonely, incomplete, imperfect… I wouldn’t want to be anyone else… (Though I wished someone would see me as perfect. Mostly a nice guy, who matches. 'wink')
Well, I have to be honest and admit that sometimes I want to be a soft haired cat that can stretch sleepy and demand when it wants to be pet.
To add what has worked for me, well, I stared to notice and think about that after I received a response in my mail on my blog. He said his short shared personal story wasn’t as exited as mine. Making me realize that everything I truly enjoyed on my way were the little things: a chitchat with the assistant of the dentist, with the guy working at the petrol station, the river that speaks loudly, the wild flowers that are uncut from nature living it’s short summer, the mothersheep that greets the mother in me, the most friendly assistance at a café giving me some things for free, the softness and shininess of my daughters face as she carefully pets a cat, or the taste of fresh baked chanterelles, the seeing and taste of wild raspberries and blue berries, and that I got my friend with bad watermemories into the lake to experience a bit of the freshness of Norway.
Sometimes no names should be given. No countries should exist. No way of living should stand still. Got to learn my new own. Do not say that your surrounding doesn’t matter. If so, you are blind for the pressure that exists and you have become one with it. Sometimes stubbornness is all we need. I learned from a close friend I call my daughter.
Chanterelles! I picked them when I was younger. They can hardly be found nowadays. Had them a few weeks ago in Moscow. A sentimental journey. This was the second time in more than 20 years. Too many people picking too many chanterelles.
ReplyDeleteTrue, but here seems to be enough. Less people and they cut it right leaving the strings and let the little ones be, so it can keep coming. But do hope, it will stay. For going into the forest, past the taken paths, has something like a mystical small adventure to it.
DeleteI can understand your wish to stay either in nature or the big city or town, rather 'in-betweens' like recreational parks or conservative villages for instance. Yet I'm living in one. Kind of relaxing for me as it happens - at least up to now! ;)
ReplyDeleteYes, true. But I think you do not much interact with the people or they do back. But bringing a daughter to school, doing some volunteer work etc, you have to. Though big cities have more visible aggression going on.
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